NEW JOURNEY

“… Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:31)

I am in such peace…

The past few weeks have been such an amazing blessing to me.  To finally spend time searching for my truth, to connect with friends that contributed to my enlightenment and shared in these passions, and to be able to be still enough to see the beauty of it all.  The search for truth is a continual one, but each step of the way brings more joy as it contributes to our awareness and reinforces that which we ultimately already know.

I have been so enormously blessed my entire life with each person that God has put on my path.  Truly blessed!  As I sit in these days of quiet, and reflect back on where I came from and the paths that I have walked leading up to this moment, I have to smile… it is almost magical how people have been part of the tapestry that is my life every step of the way.  As if God is smiling at watching me, wondering when I am going to finish the masterpiece that is this journey.

I believe in the energy that draws certain people toward each other.  Maybe from a previous lifetime encounter, maybe because it was meant to be that we met so that we could influence each other in the next step of our journey.  I love that connection…  when you meet somebody and you somehow just know “it”.  As if you have been lifetime friends even though you don’t even know what their favorite color is.  And it is this type of connection that I believe transcends time and space.  The connection that enables you to not see someone for years and when in their presence, you pick up like it was yesterday, laugh about the past, and then can enthusiastically share that which has happened between.

God is in us… God’s spirit brings us together, holds us together, and sometimes, requires us to move apart…

So, after weeks of contemplation on my spiritual and emotional being, I am ready to take this journey to another land.  I have packed my bags and am about to head back to South Africa and spend time with my family and friends, to travel, and to continue to feel God’s presence and experience His purpose for me.  And I am becoming more and more aware of the fact that God’s purpose for us ultimately, is to be exactly who we are!

I have no plan.  Only my passport, plane ticket, bags, books, guitar and laptop.  Life is in the moment…  experiencing little miracle in every day.  And it is those moments that I hope to become more aware of, and in some small way, contribute toward and become a part of. 

WHAT IS FREE WILL WITHOUT CHOICE – CREATING OUR OWN HELL

So as I continue to discover God’s purpose (which I now realize I have always know inside of me, but never really know how to express it as a truth of my own), I am constantly amazed at the human condition, and how we have distorted the basic spiritual truth of God. 

What is our purpose?  Why did God put us here? 

On some level, I have always felt like we were put here for God’s entertainment.  Yes, truly.  The spiritual trinity thought it might be fun to create humans to watch our experiences in our efforts to attain (re-attain) our spiritual identity.  Then we are to guide others, help them to find their way and see the light and experience ultimate peace of reaching that enlightenment. 

Much of the bible’s “wrath and condemnation, they shall not” is to me a complete contradiction to the “I created you, now you have free will”.  How can God  (at least from what my understanding is of most religious teachings) say that we have free will, choice, but if we do not choose him or his way, we will burn in forever hell and damnation.  This doesn’t seem like a choice to me.   This sounds very much more like a threat.

Now very often, people in support of “God’s laws”, liken it to a parent trying to protect a child.  But doesn’t that take away from the experience?  The powerful moral learnt by having our own choice and actions?  Do we want to protect a child from burning their hand on the stove?  Absolutely!  But we all know, that the child is still going to desire to put his/her hand on the stove!  Because regardless of what you tell it, it want’s to experience it for itself, and make it’s own conclusion on the outcome.  The learning experience from getting burnt is so much more impactful than the “but I wonder how badly it really will burn me” thought that will continue to linger out of the “because I told you so”.

God put us here to experience life to the full!  This means the “good” and “bad” choices, “sin”, so we can grow and learn from the consequences.   We have been provided an inner compass, the Holy Spirit, and when we decide to become in tune with it, our choices start to align more with what is beneficial for us in the long run.  This alignment, I believe, ultimately leads us back to where we came from… from God… to the inner peace and awareness of God’s purpose, which then creates heaven for us here, on earth, in this moment.  But none of our choices leading up to our full enlightenment are “sin”.  They are all part of the process. 

In having choice, we leave ourselves open to creating our own hell.  For every action there is reaction.  This reaction is not always equal and opposite.  It depends on how we choose to see the outcome of the consequences of our actions.   If we have a choice, and we pick door number one, which ends up having a perceivably negative consequence for us, this could lead to complete hell as we try to recover from its.  But with the same choice, choosing door number two could have lead to blissful peace on earth.  This constant cycle of events is how we grow from our experiences, and the freedom of will that God has given us in order to progress as spiritual expressions in human form.  Some of us learn quicker than others to start making choices that will give us more eternal peace and “heaven”.

God isn’t contributing to any of our decisions.  Not directly.  He already gave us everything we need in order to navigate through our life.  If at any point he were to “step in” then he has interfered with his desire for giving us “free will”. 

So I am taking responsibility for my life.  God and the devil are a cop out!  Something else for us to hold responsible for our good or bad decisions we have made.  He gave me life, and it’s my responsibility to live it and make the most out of it and to continue to re-discover who he made me to be.  Because amongst all the misguided unenlightened teachings, I almost completely lost myself to the darkness created by these external forces, when I always knew the light was within.  And THAT is a sin!

I thank God for creating me.  For giving me this human body and this Holy Spirit… for allowing me to have this experience in this world, although my soul is not from it… to allow me to experience the rise and the fall… and to mature through the ownership of my choices. 

I have chose to punish myself, continually… making the same hurtful decisions… creating my own hell, getting lost in my own darkness.  Holding on to my hurts, guilt, shame, depression, etc. because of believing the lie that has been told to me.  No!  Not by the devil… but by humans that have chosen to hide God’s spirit deep within them and use “God’s word” to pursue their own selfish desires.  But I have the choice to say “NO!  ENOUGH!” 

So the way I see it, the laws that are apparently God’s… that are ironically used to persecute, condemn, kill and destroy, control, shame and guilt, and support all sorts of ungodly evils… are the laws that are keeping us from fully experiencing his purpose for us and growth toward spiritual maturity. 

FEAR

It is so frustrating how absolutely debilitating fear can make us.  Actually, it’s down right sad.  It’s ironic that in our fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of condemnation, fear of death, etc., we actually keep ourselves from living!

“for God has not given us a spirit of timidity/cowardice, but of power and love and discipline/sound judgment” (2 timothy 1:7)

“there is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment.  but he who fears has not been made perfect in love.”

Perception is everything.  What we think, or imagine in our minds, becomes our reality.  Faith drives out fear.  But in order to have complete faith, we must be able to have discipline over our minds, our thoughts… the very root of what creates our reality.   If you believe it, you can perceive it, you can be it!

I have spent most of my life living in fear, including fear of myself… I have not been able to fully love others, because I did not fully love myself.  I am tired of being held back by fear and anxiety.  Most of it I have placed upon myself.  I am my own devil.   I think we give the devil way too much credit for things we ultimately do to ourselves.  God created us and gave us free will.  If we never get to the breaking point where we seek spiritual enlightenment in order to allow him to work through us to create heaven on earth, we just contribute to creating our own hell. 

So in reaching the point where we are ready to throw it all away and die, it might actually be the moment in which we finally dare to LIVE! 

This is our one shot…

I don’t believe in heaven and hell in the traditional sense.  I believe that how we grow toward being more like God, in order for his light to shine through us, and for us to be instruments in contributing to other people’s spiritual enlightenment, we create heaven for ourselves here on earth.   Heaven is our state of spiritual being, perception of the presence.  And if we are fumbling around, feeding off the negative distortions of our minds, our inner spirit is misaligned and in discord and malfunctioning, ultimately causing hell for us here on earth, and sucking in those around us who are in firing range.  

“for indeed, the kingdom of God is within you” (luke 17:21)

I believe our purpose here on this earth is to aspire to love each other as God truly intended for us to.  As he does us.  To become more Godlike so that his power and light can shine through us.  A true enlightenment of this (which is not easily achieved because of the general human condition) is what brings peace through spiritual purpose.  But growth toward this is what takes us closer to heaven and inner peace, here on earth!

“and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your heats and minds through Christ Jesus”.  (philippians 4:7)

at first, it’s hard for us to truly live this because our own emotions, feelings, desires (ego) pull us outside of the all surpassing understanding.  Because our human condition immediately lends itself to defense of self, of “me, mine, I”.  But once we become aware of this, slowly the misperception starts to fall away and we are able to see the greater beauty of it all.  It takes practice and persistence, which comes from a passionate heart that desires ultimate truth… but the final result is peace and (everlasting) life!  is that not worth it?

PURPOSE
there has been a storm brewing in me... years now.  a waiting for this moment.  almost anticipatory... as if without realizing, i was preparing for this day.  maybe it's because i never really felt like i fit into the mould... the standard steps in life toward "happiness".  maybe it's because i am one of those tortured souls that have been blessed with desires that are not tangible in this world as we know it.

but i have been expending more energy in holding myself back, when all i really wanted to do was eject myself from the matrix and follow the white rabbit.

"the thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy;  i came that they may have live, and have it abundantly" (John 10:10)

abundance... i think that the world as we know it, mostly thinks of abundance as an external, materialistic achievement.  why is it then, that the more stuff we seem to accumulate, the less peace and love we seem to have?  the more we want, the bigger the hole inside of us?  maybe it's just me... maybe i was "programmed" differently.  maybe because of my own personal life experiences, i seek that which is internal more than externally tangible.  or is this the hidden desire in all of us... ?  the filling of the "god-shaped hole"... spiritual actualization that leads to true complete abundance... the enlightenment that leads to the true meaning and purpose of life.

BREAKING POINT
i think that in every major change, we resist it until a final breaking point.  sometimes it is one event, sometimes it is an accumulation of events... the perfect storm.  i could bore you with all the details that contributed to my breaking point, but i won't.  there were several:  spiritual signs, emotional turmoil, physical breakdown, etc.  additionally, i had carried this notion inside of me for longer than i probably care to admit.  i continued running from corner to post, filling my life with different people, activities, focusing energy in all directions, too afraid to actually stop and be still, and look inside.  maybe i even continued to add to my baggage so that i would finally "break".

but i remember the day i actually finally said "i am done"...
2011 had been a rough year on many levels: emotionally, mentally, physically...
i thought that a change in career would bring me the challenge i needed in order to focus my attention away from the internal struggle i was having.  it only added to it.  every experience is both a blessing and a curse... our perspective is everything.  but the short version is that i had placed myself in a situation of tremendous stress.  it definitely took my attention away from my emotional struggles, but added to the feeling of the darkness inside of me becoming more than i could handle.

november 14th, i felt like i was going to have a stroke.  i was so overwhelmed and stressed that at one point i felt like there was a lead weight on my chest and i started to see spots.  i felt dizzy, nauseous, and like i was going to pass out.  i was someone that was usually an obsessive exerciser, and here i was, weeks having gone by, and i hadn't done a thing!  my body was not adequately equipped for handing the stress i was placing on it.  i felt like i was going to snap and that i had no control over my body's reaction.  this was not worth it!  my health, my life, my spirit.

i decided i needed to take a personal day to take a "time out" in order to reflect what i was doing and what i needed to do to take care of myself.  driving home that day, i realized what the date was... and the next... november 15th... my brother's 11 year anniversary of his suicide.  i remember when i heard the news, what i was going through at the time, and a promise i made to myself to live and not let fear and anxiety rule over me... and here i was, 11 years later, still afraid, holding on to something that was not bringing me peace and happiness.  i was done!  it was time to take the cardio paddles to my life.  i was ready to die, and so, i was ready to let go and LIVE!

so i started to eject... i got rid of as much of my possessions that i could, packed up my life, moved out of my house, and got ready to throw myself into life with no plan.  on february 15th, i walked out of my 15 year career,  I loaded up my car and hit the road for 3 weeks to "decompress", connect with friends, and start on my journey of rediscovery and rebirth!

in 3 weeks, i already feel like i have managed to tear off some of the baggage that i had been carrying with me, suffocating my soul.  it's amazing how little we need to survive on, and how little stuff we require.  i feel like we drown ourselves in stuff... and in the end, it is such false security.

i believe our ultimate desire is to love and be loved... and once we truly start to open up and seek our spiritual enlightenment, that our perspective on everything changes in a way that frees us from so much bondage that this world creates and we create for ourselves.

i am so blessed and thankful... for everything that i have in my life.  for the ability to even be attempting this,  for the family and friends that are lovingly supporting me in this endeavor, and that the spirit inside of me finally pushed me enough to MOVE! =)

MOVING
so i am now getting ready to continue this journey.  to spend time with family and friends, travel, throw my arms wide open and absorb the energy of life.  i pray that the spirit moves in me so that i can give back to it with what i already have in me.
"seeing that his divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and excellence" (2 peter 1:3)