PURPOSE
there has been a storm brewing in me... years now.  a waiting for this moment.  almost anticipatory... as if without realizing, i was preparing for this day.  maybe it's because i never really felt like i fit into the mould... the standard steps in life toward "happiness".  maybe it's because i am one of those tortured souls that have been blessed with desires that are not tangible in this world as we know it.

but i have been expending more energy in holding myself back, when all i really wanted to do was eject myself from the matrix and follow the white rabbit.

"the thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy;  i came that they may have live, and have it abundantly" (John 10:10)

abundance... i think that the world as we know it, mostly thinks of abundance as an external, materialistic achievement.  why is it then, that the more stuff we seem to accumulate, the less peace and love we seem to have?  the more we want, the bigger the hole inside of us?  maybe it's just me... maybe i was "programmed" differently.  maybe because of my own personal life experiences, i seek that which is internal more than externally tangible.  or is this the hidden desire in all of us... ?  the filling of the "god-shaped hole"... spiritual actualization that leads to true complete abundance... the enlightenment that leads to the true meaning and purpose of life.

BREAKING POINT
i think that in every major change, we resist it until a final breaking point.  sometimes it is one event, sometimes it is an accumulation of events... the perfect storm.  i could bore you with all the details that contributed to my breaking point, but i won't.  there were several:  spiritual signs, emotional turmoil, physical breakdown, etc.  additionally, i had carried this notion inside of me for longer than i probably care to admit.  i continued running from corner to post, filling my life with different people, activities, focusing energy in all directions, too afraid to actually stop and be still, and look inside.  maybe i even continued to add to my baggage so that i would finally "break".

but i remember the day i actually finally said "i am done"...
2011 had been a rough year on many levels: emotionally, mentally, physically...
i thought that a change in career would bring me the challenge i needed in order to focus my attention away from the internal struggle i was having.  it only added to it.  every experience is both a blessing and a curse... our perspective is everything.  but the short version is that i had placed myself in a situation of tremendous stress.  it definitely took my attention away from my emotional struggles, but added to the feeling of the darkness inside of me becoming more than i could handle.

november 14th, i felt like i was going to have a stroke.  i was so overwhelmed and stressed that at one point i felt like there was a lead weight on my chest and i started to see spots.  i felt dizzy, nauseous, and like i was going to pass out.  i was someone that was usually an obsessive exerciser, and here i was, weeks having gone by, and i hadn't done a thing!  my body was not adequately equipped for handing the stress i was placing on it.  i felt like i was going to snap and that i had no control over my body's reaction.  this was not worth it!  my health, my life, my spirit.

i decided i needed to take a personal day to take a "time out" in order to reflect what i was doing and what i needed to do to take care of myself.  driving home that day, i realized what the date was... and the next... november 15th... my brother's 11 year anniversary of his suicide.  i remember when i heard the news, what i was going through at the time, and a promise i made to myself to live and not let fear and anxiety rule over me... and here i was, 11 years later, still afraid, holding on to something that was not bringing me peace and happiness.  i was done!  it was time to take the cardio paddles to my life.  i was ready to die, and so, i was ready to let go and LIVE!

so i started to eject... i got rid of as much of my possessions that i could, packed up my life, moved out of my house, and got ready to throw myself into life with no plan.  on february 15th, i walked out of my 15 year career,  I loaded up my car and hit the road for 3 weeks to "decompress", connect with friends, and start on my journey of rediscovery and rebirth!

in 3 weeks, i already feel like i have managed to tear off some of the baggage that i had been carrying with me, suffocating my soul.  it's amazing how little we need to survive on, and how little stuff we require.  i feel like we drown ourselves in stuff... and in the end, it is such false security.

i believe our ultimate desire is to love and be loved... and once we truly start to open up and seek our spiritual enlightenment, that our perspective on everything changes in a way that frees us from so much bondage that this world creates and we create for ourselves.

i am so blessed and thankful... for everything that i have in my life.  for the ability to even be attempting this,  for the family and friends that are lovingly supporting me in this endeavor, and that the spirit inside of me finally pushed me enough to MOVE! =)

MOVING
so i am now getting ready to continue this journey.  to spend time with family and friends, travel, throw my arms wide open and absorb the energy of life.  i pray that the spirit moves in me so that i can give back to it with what i already have in me.
"seeing that his divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and excellence" (2 peter 1:3)